In the Shadow of the Shadowlands.

The last time I blogged was over a month ago. Much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same. Maybe I havent blogged in the last month because ive been so busy, or maybe thats just been my excuse. I can tell you now it was definitely the excuse.
    Ever been so busy with absolutely nothing? Things that dont matter, that dont hold weight eternally and so youre left feeling empty and hollow, filled up with meaningless rubbish that wont increase my knowledge of Jesus or bring me closer to Him. Its a funny thing to be so busy; softball every day, leadership conventions, debate and speech, art projects, youth group, worship practice, breaking up with your boyfriend...when you know that none of these things will benefit you if Jesus is put on the back burner.
Confession: Jesus was on the waaaaay back burner this month. Therefore, life has sucked.

      Just yesterday, i broke. it actually started the night before when i went to sleep at a decent hour and yet i was awake all night and in all actuality only got ONE hour of sleep. i tossed and turned, uncomfortable, nauseous, my mind spinning at a hundred miles an hour. i knew Jesus had something to say to me but i couldnt shut up my mind long enough to actually hear His voice. i missed out on something really good, because ive been busy with nothing.
       So when my dad finally confronted me and asked what he could do to help, i lost it. I was spread too thin. i didnt know how to say no, i was prideful so i told him he couldnt do anything, and i just cried it out. Yes, i was physically tired, but my emotions have never felt so run down either. My realization, after living a month of absolutely no quiet times, Jesus hit this one on me:

LIVE LIKE I DIED FOR YOU.

Well, crap. Theres conviction for you. He called me out on my pride, laziness, and depression in 6 words. You know He's God when He can do that!

So now im buckling down. Im thankful for my family, who supports my endeavors and yet is courageous enough to call me out. Im thankful for mentors in my life, who listen and then give sound wisdom. And then theres Christ. He saved me and it is my call as a disciple to shake this weight of emptiness off and find fullness in Him.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!

Breaking up is hard to do. For real.

i broke up with my boyfriends exactly a week ago (ironically, around this time of night, actually). I know what i did was right and absolutely necessary; for once in our eight month relationship i was being honest with myself; we didnt mesh. We were so opposite our personalities were constantly clashing, and i was emotionally exhausted at working to like someone, who i knew in my heart of hearts was not the one for me.

all that being said, im not happy. No, i'm not regretting my decision whatsoever; i know what i did was right. But, what sucks is having to deal with the aftermath of  breaking a 17 year old boy's heart. I feel like a murderer. I feel selfish, rude, and sadistic, though none of these emotions make sense. His constant reminders that not only does he still exist but he wants to be my friend (which, by the way, can be much worse than hatred) are killing me. I cant handle this. i thought the after math of the break up was supposed to be very quiet with little or no interaction between both parties. i can tell you now, my friend, that has not been my experience.

When you ask God to give you focus, or you ask Him for patience, dont expect a little gold box labeled either to come floating down from the heavens. No, God gives us opportunities to be focused in our walk with Him, and he gives us impatient situations to make patience. Because Im so confident i made the right decision, i know God has something specific to teach me...and im almost positive hes going to teach me by stretching the heck out of me.
Im praying for Nathan, that the Lord be His comforter and best friend. I pray Nathan will one day understand that i made this decision because i want the absolute best for him,and i couldnt give him that. I hope one day he looks back and understands, and loves me platonically as his sister. That will be the day that will make all this worth it.

Listening to: Too much Paramore, and Droplets by Colbie Caillat
Reading: Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley

On Believing.

"Now that I am a Christian I do have moods in which the whole thing looks improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable."

CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

I have a friend who is absolutely dead set on the belief that God may exist, but He doesnt hear us, want us, or interact with us. Therefore, Christianity, the church and everything that comes with that are false.

This personally grieves my heart. I have prayed for him, talked with him, and even simply agreed with him; that yes, there are major flaws in the Church, and how things are conducted. And I find myself discouraged, and asking questions like why isnt God revealing his mercy to this person....
And then i stop and collect my doubt. He already has; through me, through others, and love. One day, this person's heart is going to be softened, and the Lord whispers to me that my time and His time are opposite. The reminder simply confirms in my own belief that Christ loves each and every person, so much so that He will take them to their darkest lowest moment to reveal it.

So now, i sit and pray for my friend, that he will be taken lower than he's ever been, to the point where he's completely alone, mentally and physically, and that Jesus meets him there.

"When we wake up, we dont breathe in air, but we breathe in grace."
                                                                                   -Jordan Fitch.

To Be Lovingly Consistent.

   After seven straight days with my family, i realized that the older i get, the more is revealed to me; dirt and secrets that i didnt know existed until they stood right in front me. Family is funny, because despite the mistakes, quirks, and just plain stupid things people do, you still have to love them! And love them unconditionally and help them. My great grandparents are 90 and 91 years old, and have been married for over 76 years. They've seen it all; especially my great grandfather, who is still with and knows all the ins and outs of my family, and yet he focuses on the good in our family and the love we share. He inspires me to be lovingly consistent.
      Family is out of control sometimes, messy, gossipy, confusing; and yet the best part of my life. I wouldnt have it any other way.            

Im Blogging? What?

This is surreal. I never thought I would ever find myself blogging. When i picture bloggers i picture cool hipster kids that live in new york and blog in awesome coffee shops...or old philosophers who spew out their words of wisdom (or opinions) onto their computers. But i guess thats social profiling isnt it?

Actually, a good friend of mine who now attending Biola University in LA starting blogging, and i have to say, i was envious that she could virtually journal her emotions and thoughts. I wanted to do that! It seemed therapeutic and i was getting tired of victimizing facebookers as they were forced to read my emotions. But no more! This blog, hopefully, will help with that.
I doubt anyone will read this, but if someone does, there are some things you should know about me:

1. I am in utter reckless love with my Lord, Jesus Christ.
2. I used to love to write. I havent in many moons, so this should be interesting.
3. I am terrible at organizing my thoughts, so this blog will be cluttered.

well, heres to something, that may become exciting. I dont know whats going to happen with this blog, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

cheers:)